Here she gives her account of what it is like struggling with an eating disorder and how the support she is receiving from Cygnet Nield House is enabling her to fall in love with food again and have hopes for a healthy future.
After struggling with anorexia nervosa for over 10 years, I believed I’d never be able to even touch certain foods again, let alone try them.
With the help, support, education and encouragement from the best team at Cygnet Nield House, I have managed to make huge steps in my recovery to begin challenging food fears.
I have gone from the very stubborn girl who wouldn’t admit to her struggles to someone now fighting her fears one bite at a time. I have recently started exposure therapy with the dietitian, alongside completing a meal journal which has definitely been a huge help to begin tackling my ingrained orthorexia (an unhealthy obsession with ‘pure’ food) beliefs.
If someone would have said to me a few months ago to try this, I would have said no way and broke down in tears. However, with the help from the amazing team at Cygnet Nield House, I have got to a point where I’m finally taking the leap of faith.
Something I have truly found helpful is keeping a journal and writing down the benefits of different foods as I am someone who is very concerned with health. As someone who has cut out essential whole food groups for many years, it was a massive deal for me to try different things.
I started off with something that is super simple and probably sounds silly to most but to me having beans on toast would be a meal I would not even consider having. Where has it been all my life? This was the beginning of really pushing myself with exposure to different foods again.
From there I went on to try baking my own bread. I really enjoyed the process of making the bread and it felt like a purposeful activity. I never try anything I make but I really pushed myself and gave the bread a try despite it being a huge fear.
I am incredibly grateful beyond words for the support I am receiving from the team here at Cygnet Nield House and my wonderful inspiring peers. I wouldn’t be in the better place I’m in if it wasn’t for their help and valuable expertise. But something that I have found to be very true is that at the end of the day you have to be willing to try something new yourself. Action not just words.
Something I advise to anyone out there contemplating recovery is it really is now or never. If you keep putting it off until tomorrow, tomorrow will never come and if you’re lucky enough to be receiving the help I am, then trust the professionals.
Anorexia is like a blanket that feels safe and comfortable because it’s what you’ve known but it becomes suffocating and keeps you trapped and isolated in its hold. You don’t realise it is the demon disorder completely taking over your life. Yes recovery is uncomfortable and the hardest thing, but it’s also the bravest thing you can do. I told myself I see all this information in the media about foods, health, weight etc, but I have the best, highly qualified professionals’ right in front of me. I realised it was time to really take into action their advice and not some random stranger on the internet.
I couldn’t possibly praise the whole team here enough for their amazing support. If you think of your support system as a car – the wheels are the doctors providing their expertise and medication; the fuel is the dietitians, psychologists and occupational therapists providing therapy and skills; the body of the car can be the nurses and support staff encouraging you to keep fighting. At the end of the day you’re the driver behind the wheel that has to have the determination and willpower to embrace recovery in all its glory.
I was once described as a SEED (severe enduring eating disorder) but I don’t want to be a seed, I want to be a palm tree. Something my brother once said which I’ll never forget is “Mads you’re the most stubborn person in the world, why can’t you use that stubbornness to fight the disorder and recover rather than resist recovery?” He was so right.
I may still have a lot to work on but I’m trying and that’s all we can do. I’m far from perfect and I struggle a lot but if there is one thing that’s true is that I won’t give up. I cook… I conquer… The best is yet to crumb!