I grew up surrounded by abuse, mainly during my teens, I also had an event which left me with permanent trauma. From my early 20’s I was in and out of hospitals for mental health related issues, firstly being diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and an eating disorder.
It wasn’t until I reached my 30’s that I was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD) and this was being treated along with depression and anorexia in outpatients for around three years.
At the age of 34 I was readmitted to an acute ward for EUPD and depression after many attempts to end my life I was transferred to a PICU and was there for seven months where I struggled to regulate my emotions and was angry all the time, getting into fights, self-harming and trying to end my life. I was extremely aggressive and frustrated at the world but internalised it all, which spilled out as self-harm. After becoming stable I was transferred to Roseacre.
When I arrived at Roseacre Ward I was still self-harming, the doctor who was treating me at the time gave me another diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which made sense of some of my symptoms.
During my first 8 weeks, I was placed on 1-1 care and had my medication tweaked. I had no leave as I was on a section. I found it hard to make friends to begin with and was consistently hurting myself. The multi-disciplinary team (MDT) spoke to me about what I liked doing and tried to involve me in engaging activities such as the gym and cooking.
During my time at Roseacre I had the best support. I was on 1-1 support which really helped me as I could talk openly about how I was feeling at the time, so crisis was averted.
After coming off 1-1 I was able to learn about myself as I was on section and unable to leave the hospital unescorted. There was time to reflect by talking to caring staff who would always notice if something was wrong.
I took part in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) which helped me learn coping strategies and these strategies made me engage in treatment more. I eventually came off section and became an informal patient. With this I gradually gained the trust of the staff and the OT kitchen sessions led to a time where I could be on my own preparing meals rather than having to have staff with me. Allowing me to cook for the rest of the ward on occasion, this felt very rewarding. Even as an informal patient I was listened to by Healthcare Assistants and nurses and I always had someone to talk to when time was bad.
During my stay I engaged in trauma therapy for my earlier abuse and this helped with the flashbacks and my feelings of wanting to self-harm calmed down and I was able to talk about my trauma to my therapist without getting highly emotional. The emotion had been removed and it became a story. If I hadn’t had this care and support from Roseacre I don’t think I would be the woman I am today.
Today I am at university studying Mental Health Nursing and I have my own flat in supported accommodation, where I receive support twice a week. I live near my friends and family who are a great support. I am under a community mental health team who are very supportive and acknowledge my struggles, no matter how small.
I’ve quit smoking, I go to the gym and I’ve joined a choir, all to keep me grounded, as it is important to continue self-care. Don’t get me wrong, some days I still have thoughts of self-harm, but I can now manage those thoughts and I can override feelings by using DBT to be more positive and therefore I don’t act on anything.
Overall if I hadn’t of had that support from Roseacre Ward over those two years I wouldn’t be who I am today.