International Men’s Day is an event that had not been on my radar until late October this year. When I first heard that this was an event in the calendar I wasn’t immediately aware of what the purpose of the event was, which led me to research it a little further and discuss it with colleagues, friends and family.
The purpose, I discovered, is to recognise the positive values and achievements that men and boys bring to our communities. The focus of the event this year is “Helping men and boys” and some of the ways the event aims to achieve is through awareness of:
- The social challenges and pressures men and boys face and the physical and mental impacts of these
- The different identities, traits, values and experiences of men and boys in society
- The role that men and boys can play in supporting and facilitating change through positive role modelling of inclusivity
The initiative has shared some international statistics to help raise awareness, these are:
- 76% of deaths by suicide are in the male population
- 85% of the homeless population are male
- Males are 3.4x more likely to be imprisoned than women for the same crime
- 40% of domestic violence victims are male
My story
On International Men’s Day 2022, I wanted to do my part in sharing my own experiences with my identity as a man and the conflict that I have previously felt against the stereotypical traits that, at times, felt it was expected for me to embody. I think it’s important to acknowledge the impact that this can have on a person’s self-esteem and I would like to share my experience of overcoming some of these issues.
Rewinding the clock back to late childhood and early teenage years, I began to notice that I was different to other boys in my peer group at school, within my family and the small circle of friends I had in my local community. The challenges that I always thought of as the biggest blockers for me feeling included and ‘feeling like a man’ would keep coming back to the same things; sports, physical strength, unwavering emotional resilience and conversations around finding women physically attractive. In my youth, when it was obvious that I wasn’t fitting in I would be met with comments like “man-up”, “girl-pants”, “queer” and “wimp”.
At this time in my life, there wasn’t a lot of challenge to these perceptions; in fact they were routinely affirmed to me from experiences with teachers, family and other role models I had at the time. Any challenges to this narrative that I witnessed or experienced myself were met with criticism from those around me. This has had a continued impact on me within adulthood where I have previously avoided situations where I felt my masculinity would be questioned and feared that I would feel the same level of ridicule I felt as a younger person. Examples of this are:
- Not going for a haircut at the barbers until it’s absolutely necessary – stemming from an irrational fear that I would be asked to talk about football and face ridicule
- Avoiding situations that included sport and exercise at all costs
- Feeling unable to be my authentic self in public
Naturally as we get older though, we realise that the world is wider than our immediate community. We learn that the world is full of diversity and that opportunities open up to celebrate our differences, educate others and drive change. It also brings the wisdom that the intentions of those in my story were not all coming from a place of ill-intent or awareness of the impact the comments had on me. To the contrary, I found immense support from family, friends and the workplace when I went on to share how I felt.
I heard a song called “The Wall in My Head”, a year or two ago, when the film “Everybody’s Talking about Jamie” premiered. The song immediately struck a chord with me, it talks about comments made that seem minor to others but they can leave a sting on someone else; forming a mental brick. From there, other comments and our own thoughts make more bricks that eventually create a wall in our head. The wall is a self-perceived barrier to opportunity, happiness and feelings of acceptance. The song has a positive and powerful message though, it’s about challenging this thought process, climbing over the barrier and being your authentic self.
Something that helped me get over my wall, was the realisation that stereotypes do not define who we are. It was also the active challenge of my thought process and throwing myself into opportunities that challenge my way of thinking. In 2020, I discovered that there was an inclusive gay rugby (IGR) team in my local area; this was advertised as a safe space for everyone of all skill levels to try the sport in a safe and inclusive space. I knew that this was something that I wanted to get involved in and I took the brave steps to do this. If I was to tell the younger version of myself that I would go on to play in a competitive game of rugby, I simply wouldn’t have believed it.
Not only was this a positive experience for finding enjoyment in activities I had always closed myself off from, but it provided space for conversation with peers from a range of backgrounds and experiences. Overall, I found the experience to heal the mental scars which I had carried for many years around my masculinity and allowed me to climb over the wall in my head. I had finally come to terms with the fact that I can be emotionally sensitive, not great at sports, be gay and still feel like a man.
On International Men’s Day 2022, I look forward to learning from the stories of others and I am glad to have been given a platform to share my journey of learning to accept myself.